everyday i ask myself, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?!
if i dont get a job cos im not gd enough, i get it.
if i dont get a job cos im not capable enough, i get it.
if i dont get a job cos im not qualified enough, i get it.
but wheres the logic when im rejected again and again for a very simple illogical reason - im in a different division of the bank. and im in this division, NOT BY CHOICE. i was thrown here, kicked here, dumped here. and for what? nothing. i get nothing, i do nothing, i AM nothing.
if i was not thrown kicked, and dumped in this shithole, i wouldnt be in this mess. i would have gotten the job i wanted, where i belonged.
i dont belong here. i dont deserve to be treated this way. how many things was i promised by the management? lots. none of each were kept. after a year plus, im STILL stuck in this shithole. again, not by choice. when i interviewed a year plus back, this wasnt what i signed up for. i didnt interview for this. and when i signed the letter of offer, this wasnt the job i accepted. my job has morphed into one of a brainless button presser. definitely not what i signed up for.
umpteen times i told myself to sit through this. one day, the pple upstairs will realise that i should be up there with them doing what im supposed to do. yes, they finally realised. but what are they gonna do abt it? nothing much. cos the transfer is more complicated than they thought. well, it wasnt complicated to throw me over, but its complicated to bring me back. again, wheres the logic?
somewhere back up this road, i rejected another job offer cos someone gave me hope of something better upstairs. how stupid u must think. yeah. i weighed my options and thought that im better off in a familiar environment. i never expected to be given up on, just becos of complicated procedures. by the time i found out, it was too late. my other offer doesnt stand anymore. nice. kicked myself right in the butt.
today for the second time in the whole 1 year plus in the bank, i cried. i felt a tremendous wave of unfairness wash over me. the best words to describe my feelings are - 委屈. i was sitting at 'my desk' and thinking why are my applications all falling into rejections? am i not good enough? am i that useless? am i not qualified? then i realised, it wasnt me. it was the situation ive been thrown into. a situation i obviously didnt sign up for. everyone upstairs is rooting for me. ive been referred so many times i cant remember. yet when it comes to the most important part, the 'closing of the deal', they just cant go through with it. i always wonder if they really tried? or they just decided to skip all the complicated procedures and take the easy way out. again and again im thrown into hope, and again and again i fall out of hope. this has been ongoing since last year november. one day im just gonna go numb.
now i want to run away. run away to wherever i can. to somewhere i wont be given false hopes after false hopes. im done with hoping. done with colleagues. done with bosses. done with fake smiles and backstabbers. done with feeling i belong somewhere and realised im actually supposed to belong elsewhere. done with other pple going for incentive trips and retreats, and im stuck where i am, stirring my own mudhole.
i promise myself this. no more am i gonna give up on another offer for this place that holds no progession for me. this unfeeling ice palace that obviously isnt very sincere. the place and the people. its about time i learnt that no one is gonna give me the empathy i need. no one will say "oh, she really deserves to do more. i'll do what i can to help." since my hope has been washed down the drain this time, im not gonna dig it back up and polish it to make it look brand new.
the next job offer that comes my way, i take it. no matter what.
and when that day comes, i know i'm only gonna miss the few of them.
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